My friend Endjah, who has been locked up for six years and is currently in a women’s state facility, wrote the text below addressing questions that often come up when people outside and inside prisons become friends. Endjah’s letter was prompted by a conversation with an outside organizer who coordinates with other people who are forming and sustaining relationships with people inside prisons, but it came on the heels of a series of conversations Endjah and I had about these questions. Some of these emerged from a project I have been working on with my podcast collaborators for a series of episodes about inside/outside relationships. The first one is out now, video above in this post.
We also published this interview with Corey, who was just released after serving thirty years. In Corey’s interview, he advocates for people outside to be more open to the possibility of having romantic relationships with people inside. He talks about the stigma around such relationships, and also the ways that if someone inside raises the possibility, the outside friend often freaks out and cuts off contact rather than just saying they don’t want to move in that direction. Corey’s describes feeling like because the forced isolation caused by prison puts people in prison in a desperate situation regarding social contact, they often have to tread carefully, fearing they will alienate their outside friends if they make any mistakes or ask for too much. He is arguing for all of us–inside and outside–to be more direct, willing to ask for things that interest us and also willing to say no but stay connected. When I heard him describing these dynamics and making these suggestions about how we might all proceed, I thought a lot of it sounded relevant to relationships of all kinds, including between people who are not in prison.
In any case, I am excited to share this intervention from Endjah and for us all to think together about how we might be more direct with one another, and more open to possibilities with one another. Talking to Corey and Endjah also helped me reflect on why, in the decades that I have been connecting with people in prison, forming and sustaining often long-term friendships, I have never had a romantic connection across the prison wall. In part I think that I haven’t met someone where that spark was present, but I also recognize that I have a deep fear that such a relationship might be somehow problematic because of the power dynamics. Those dynamics are so intense when I have freedom, access to information and money, virtually unlimited access to social outlets, and the other person has such extreme barriers in all areas of life. Since the interview with Corey, I’ve spoken with a few friends outside who have had romantic relationships with people inside, and they have shared the beauty of the connections as well as how difficult the constraints on the relationships were, and how much pressure the differences in circumstances put on the people in the relationship. It is so difficult to hold romance, very uneven interdependency, the insecurity that romance brings up for everyone, and the material barriers that the prison system creates. A couple people mentioned how many lonely people there are, inside and outside, and how sweet it would be if more people could connect and pay attention to each other across the prison walls, how much love could be exchanged, even if only by mail and phone calls. I think that is true, and wonder what kinds of relational skills we could all build so that more of that love could be exchanged. One starting point has to be just that more people have relationships of any kind across the walls. Making all people in prison less isolated would improve all of their relationships inside and outside, and make them safer in material ways. I hope that people outside who read Endjah’s letter and listen to Corey’s interview might, first off, consider increasing their relationships with people inside. Secondly, I hope they will consider being as direct and authentic in those relationships as possible, including to being open to whatever unfolds with their friends inside, telling people yes and no directly, staying connected even when there are conflicting desires or other kinds of tension and turbulence.
Letter from Endjah:
Dear Ones,
A lot of us have been having conversations about big feelings and questions that can come up when captives reveal crushes on or flirtatious interests toward pen pals on the outside. Some common reactions are emerging that make a lot of sense, but aren’t necessarily reflective of the values we all want to be living.
- Some folks are finding themselves feeling a strong, urgent desire to set outsized boundaries that are disproportionate and likely to shut down hard won trust or feelings of safety.
- Some folks are feeling stuck or frozen, leaving the person on the inside anxiously awaiting a reply and forced to interpret the silence in ways that are likely to be harmful by default.
- Some folks feel compelled to look up their admirer’s charge(s), even if that had felt against their personal ethics beforehand.
- Some folks feel a reflex to end the connection, sending the message that full expression of humanity or complexity of any kind is unacceptable in inside/outside relationships.
- Some folks feel interested, but concerned about how the power imbalance that is inherent in all inside/outside connections could be magnified if they enter into a flirtation or romance.
- Some folks feel unsure about whether or not they’re interested because they’re not sure what an inside/outside romance could look like if it developed over time.
To live abolition, it is imperative that we give ourselves grace while we navigate hostile landscapes that can play tricks with our minds and emotions. This is particularly true when it comes to matters of the heart. Our beloved Dean has written an entire book about how disorienting romance can be in these complex times. It can feel like the place where all of our intentional visioning and carefully cultivated integrity flies out the window, even when everyone is free.
The following is a list of gentle reminders – things we already know that can be easy to forget when romantic feelings get involved – and an offering that may help us move forward together.
Reminder #1 – We coexist with cultural structures that employ human trafficking as a tool for profiteering and social control. When we keep this in mind, it’s easier to remember that convictions (including pleas) are reflections of racial capitalism and should not be deferred to as measures of character or worth. As abolitionists, we are clear about these matters, but our bodies are inundated with sensationalist messaging that seeps in. It can cause us to have emotional reactions that aren’t in line with our values.
Reminder #2 – There is nothing inherently scary, wrong, or bad about someone on the inside initiating a flirtation or expressing that they have developed romantic feelings for someone who has been writing them from the outside. Humans have feelings, and sometimes those feelings are romantic.
Reminder #3 – Carceral structures deprive captives of safe or spacious physical contact, expressions of affection, emotional support, sexual intimacy, and myriad other basic needs. It makes perfect sense that human bodies and minds – in their incredible, creative capacities for resilience – will amplify any forms of care that are received to maximize their healing and soothing effects.
As a result, it’s extremely common for folks on the inside to develop crushes on pen pals or to seek out romance or flirtation through correspondence as a means of basic survival. When we are reminded that we are property by every aspect of our immediate environment, any potential path that might feel affirming and humanizing feels worth exploring.
An Offering – I created the following template for a friend who hosts letter writing parties. I’m sharing it here with the hope that it can be adapted as anyone wishes to fit with one’s personal tone and specific situation. The template is intended to be nestled inside a longer letter, in order to reinforce that the person on the outside is not trying to end the connection and that they want to keep building. The first paragraph is intended to introduce the topic. The second and third paragraphs are alternate options, depending on the vibe of the writer and what they are wanting.
.…In your last letter, you called me X (or you expressed Y). I wanted to check in about what this kind of endearment (or expression of affection) means to you. For me, that’s a phrase that I would reserve for someone I am dating. It could mean something different for you, but I wanted to ask because it can be hard to interpret tone in written communication and I want us to be on the same page.
I want to be responsible in the relationship we are building by sharing that I am not available for a flirtation or a romantic connection right now, but I’m excited to continue our conversations about…
OR
I don’t know if you were trying to initiate a flirtation in your last message. I feel open to exploring that if you are, and I also feel great about continuing our conversations without any flirtation if your phrasing was intended to be friendly in nature…
I hope this language is helpful! Please feel free to share/adapt/add/etc. as you wish!
With infinite love, gratitude, and abundance,
Endjah